yep, I’ll leave it at that for now
yep, I’ll leave it at that for now
I decided to give it some time before I posted about me an Clutch. I wanted to see how things would work out between us with me just going with the flow and not thinking too much into it. One of my blog fam suggested that. Well…its a good thing I did, because giving myself some blog space prevented me from making decisions based off of prior posts. Now that I come back and look at the dates between posts – there’s a lot of revelation in them for me.
The good times are good, and I know I don’t post every happy moment between us. But there is not enough of a time lapse in between the bad times. I should at least be able to go a full month without questioning whether or not I’m happy dating you…right?
I don’t like how much my words affect him. I very often damage his ego or pride just by opening up to him and sharing my differing thoughts about things that he is sensitive about. I am a straightforward person and I don’t have a filter. So its extremely uncomfortable having to watch what I say when I’m around him. And then having to defend myself afterwards – for hours and days. And mind you…I get sensitive too – but its a turnoff for me when a man does so, so easily.
What else…I don’t like the “way” in which he argues. He does the “okay” thing which drives me nuts. Its your way of ending the conversation without me. I’m a talker. I like to talk until we both understand why something is an issue, so that we can come up with a logical solution. I don’t like to brush it under the rug for it to resurface later. But you can’t tell him anything…he just knows it all. And to deal with a know-it-all who is 4 years younger than me irritates me.
Finally…the big problem…biggggg problem…his tendency to get so defensive when I speak my mind about whatever issue he is personally battling, has taken away my sexual attraction to him. I’m not turned on anymore. My body doesn’t respond to him. I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like I’ve been married for 3 months and I don’t like it.
I like Clutch…he is a good guy and I do feel as if he will be a great man for someone. And I promise I was just happy last week when he sent these beautiful flowers to my job. But like I said – too many ups and downs. I can’t help feeling that he isn’t the one for me. Although Clutch is the closest thing that I’ve had to a boyfriend, and he does wonderful things for me, I don’t feel like this is “it”.
I chose not to talk to him on the phone as of yesterday morning…its been texts only. And I feel the serial dater in me, itching to just run away.
I haven’t had someone genuinely care about me in a long time. A part of me wants to run away from this because its not the norm for me. I’m somewhat uncomfortable. I’m not used to being thought about so much or wanted so much. Clutch is all about me. He has his own goals and stuff but we spend a lot of time together. I feel fine when we are together; I don’t think twice about this. But when we are apart, I question if this is real or normal. I’ve never had a real relationship or anything this close to it so I don’t know if its normal to make someone part of your day, almost everyday. Is it?
This is when everything took a turn for the…strange. I swear I cannot make this up. Guys…I faked it SO hard…that I ended up enjoying myself =/
Yeah…we got along so well that we were able to finally hash EVERYTHING out. It was so deep…I can’t possibly go into all of the details, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want to hear them anyway. But in short, we both have some issues with being too defensive. Our defensive nature, in addition to our outspoken behavior and underdeveloped trust was a recipe for disaster from the get-go. What it came down to was that we were both taking things way too personal and needed to relax. We also determined that we could lose the title and let things be what they are. Titles will come naturally if they are meant to. And finally, I wanted to be courted – he had been getting too comfortable and I wanted to be treated like a lady.
Sharing stories about our family and seeing how Clutch was around his family allowed me to see who he really was. I saw kindness. I saw gentleness. I saw a deep desire to make things work with the people that he loves, that comes off as being pushy. I saw that a lot of the things I took personal with him were actually just how he naturally communicated and wasn’t a personal attack against me. I was able to laugh at the things that once bothered me. As he began to open doors for me…to hold my hand as I got out of cars…as he cupped my waist while I struggled to walk in my heels…as he woke up to put blankets on me at night…as he asked me to walk slower toward the restaurant so that we could have more time to talk…as he told me “its okay, calm down…there’s no rush” as I got lost while driving…I fell for this man. I have been hurt so many times before that I don’t think I’ll ever start anything off “right” with anyone. I’m so used to people giving up on me, that I start relationships off with a defensive wall of stone. Clutch is against giving up on people and I need that. Needless to say, I’m in heaven right now and I’m so glad that I didn’t give up on us.
I missed you guys 🙂
I feel like everyone has been waiting on me to drop this huge bomb of a post about how horrible my trip with Clutch was. The buildup of incidents with him was so heavy that I was feeling nothing but dread. The night before we went to the airport, we had another fallout. This time is was big and over THE STUPIDEST situation:
While laying in bed, I said to him (in what I thought to be my sexy voice):
Me: “Come help me pack Clutch.”
He he said to me, in his serious voice:
Clutch: “Say please.”
Me: “Are you serious?”
Clutch: “Yes. I’m very serious. If you want my help, you need to ask me…not tell me.”
I didn’t say please. I was not going to say please!… I probably should have said please lol. This is what led to the fallout. I told him to get out of my room and he did. At some point, after cooling down, I got out of bed to start packing. At the sound of me packing, Clutch THEN decides to come offer his help. By that time, I was LIVID and I declined. That night he slept on the couch and I slept in my bed, like an old married couple. At that moment, I knew I was done. When morning came, we left for the airport in pretty much complete silence. We rode the plane in pretty much complete silence. We arrived at the airport in pretty much complete silence. But when we went to the rental counter… I found myself praying for silence. Boy, oh boy, did it go DOWN. Our final words at that moment ended something like this:
Me: I’m not going to sit around your family, looking stupid while you completely ignore me!
Clutch: Will you at least give it a chance? I won’t ignore you”
Me: “Dude, you’ve been ignoring me this entire trip!”
Clutch: “I’m trying to make this work. Do you want this to work or not?”
Me: “Honestly, no? I do not want this to work anymore. I’ll just go stay with my dad (he lives in that city).”
Clutch: “Cool. Go stay with him then.”
I cannot believe, even when reliving this, that this moment even happened. We are way too early in our honeymoon stage to even be at each others throats like this. It had to end. But I didn’t want to look like a jerk in front of his parents, so I told him that I would “fake it” long enough to get to my dads house. This is when everything took a turn for the…strange.
we just made it to the airport…this isn’t going to be good…
I didn’t try to tell him…but he kept asking me if everything was okay. So I said it nicely. I really didn’t want to say anything, today of all days …with today being his birthday… but he is so pushy and I felt like I had no choice. We ended up arguing for 30 minutes about it (which he says was a discussion, not an argument…but I totally disagree). He isn’t upset anymore and I’m seeing him later this evening but I’m NOT happy. I’ll talk about it later though…now is not the time. Ugh
I don’t want to be in a relationship with Clutch. I wan’t to date him, but not be with him… not just yet. We moved way too soon and I think everyone is aware of that. I’m happy that we feel this great connection and chemistry, but I feel like we need(ed) time to let that grow more. Everything that I liked about him is taking a backseat to the obligations and expectations that having a relationship has brought on. We don’t have enough established between us to handle all that comes with a relationship. He is still somewhat of a stranger to me. And to be straightforward…I want to feel like he is my friend before he is my boyfriend.
I hope that he can accept this and understand that we have no reason to rush things. In fact, rushing things is exactly why we aren’t getting along now. And this eggshell walk that we are doing with each other is not how things are supposed to be – especially not this early. Everything was good between us before we decided to be in a relationship. So I feel justified in saying that the relationship is where things went wrong.
Only question is when to tell him how I feel. I’ve mentioned this before so he knows its something I’ve thought about. His b-day is Thursday so telling him on Thursday would suck. But we are going out of town with his family (where I will meet more family) this weekend and I wanted to tell him before then. …But my friend said that would make the trip awkward. I just feel bad secretly knowing something that he doesn’t know. When do you think I should say something?
EVERYTHING that could have possibly happened to me, happened to me last Sunday LOL – read these blogs if you don’t know what I’m talking about: Clutch comes to my job, Superman misses me – both happened on Sunday.
So to add to my eventful Sunday, I received a message from Drake (my petty ex). It was actually a screenshot of his friend’s recent Facebook post. The friend was making a reference to a brand of chips that Drake and I used to crack jokes about. He sent the screenshot to me, with a caption that said:
“This post made me think of you, and those chips. smh”
I had a few moments to decide how I wanted to respond or IF I wanted to respond but strangely enough, I didn’t need to think that much into it. I just responded with:
“lmbo. I miss those chips dangit”
I guess I realized that since I don’t like him anymore, there’s no reason to play any games with him or to over-think things. The conversation ended with:
Drake: “Well, that’s all I wanted. Don’t want to intrude.”
Me: “Cool, thanks for the laugh.
He has still been making comments on Facebook about his “mystery” girl but it doesn’t make me jealous. It makes me feel sorry for the girl that dates him because he never makes it known what woman he is talking about. He will always make reference to her, and how great she is…but she is never great enough to post her picture or her name. I hated being that woman in his life and I pity whoever else has to be.
Right after the dramatic weekend with Clutch, Superman saw me from a distance at work (I don’t know if I mentioned before that we work together – in different departments) and sent me a text message.
Superman: R u ok
Me: Yeah! whats up?
Superman: U just don’t seem like your usual self but now that I know you are okay, I feel a lot better.
Me: I’m just a little stressed.
Superman: Ok well if you need someone to talk to, let me know
Later on he saw me, close-up and he gave me a big hug. I miss him sometimes, and that hug felt so familiar and like home. We got along PERFECTLY…he treated me like a princess…has super sex appeal to me…is such a protector… is street-smart…confident…and extremely easy going. Hell, he is everything that I like…but what he lacks will always be something I can’t ignore. I know that I can’t have it all but I know that I can’t handle a relationship with someone who has no car, no diploma or plan to get one, 3 kids, and making min. wage with no career goals. I just can’t. It turns something so attractive into something so ugly 😦